i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
