So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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