ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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