You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize