its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize