i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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