Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize