I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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