if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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