My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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