I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize