go do what you do best...puke behind churches
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
