I wish my penis had an off switch
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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