So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
