his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize