Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
