Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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