my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
