I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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