you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
