if i can run in heels then i can drive
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
