all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
