I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
