It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
