I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
