You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
