I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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