A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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