she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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