Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
