do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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