Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
