Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize