And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
