This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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