So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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