i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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