You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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