Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize