i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
