I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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