I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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