you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
