pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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