Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
