apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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