tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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