I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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