Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
