The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
