The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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