i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
