So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
