My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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