my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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