My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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