my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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